The Art of Listening

I saw this picture posted today and it reminded me of one of the lessons from the seminar that I attended last fall.

Listening is truly an art, but it is a skill, in my opinion, that has been terribly lost in todays society. The Chinese symbol for "listen" is made up of many other words, because to truly listen requires more than just hearing! Coincidentally, I 'listened' to a teleseminar tonight on this subject, and wanted to get all these thought out of my head and down in print.

Now, I am the first to admit that this is an area that is still a work in progress.  Like anything I have ever mentioned here, it takes practice to get good at it, but the awareness of what we are doing is a BIG step!

Essentially there are 3 ways to listen, the first 2 are the ways the majority of us do it, and they do NOT work! We usually agree or disagree with whatever is being said, and in doing that we are validating our need to either be right or to not be wrong.  When you listen in that way, no new information ever comes in.  There is no room for new facts, therefore you stay the same.

The 3rd way involves just BEING with the person that is talking.  Allow yourself to be OPEN to what is being said, suspend judgements, just BE with the information and pay attention to your reactions to it. What comes to mind, how do you feel about the info? Allow yourself to accept the new information.  Let yourself go Hmmmmmmmm.

If you find yourself blaming or making the info wrong while you are 'listening' to it, then what happens is you're judging the info and you are actually no longer listening!  You are disconnecting and closing yourself off.  At this point you need to ask yourself, what is it about what's being said that is causing you to do this? Usually, it's those needs of being right or not being wrong.

One of the most basic human needs is to understand and be understood. To accomplish this, we REALLY need to be truly listening not only to whom ever we are with, but to ourselves as well!

So how do we know if the person we are talking to is actually listening? It's all in the body language! If they are listening in one of the first 2 ways, you can tell that their minds are somewhere else, they lean or move away, walking around. There is very little verbal recognition with no emotional connection.  You get the 'yup, uh huh's'.  If they are listening in the 3rd way and are truly in the moment with you, you will have strong eye contact, they will lean in closer to you, you will see emotional reactions in their faces and in their responses.

There are going to be times when you are talking with someone, that they are going to say something that you strongly disagree with or makes you angry. This is where the practice part REALLY comes in handy! If you are disagreeing strongly, you just have to keep reminding yourself that there is no need to change their opinion, they are entitled to it, and you're not always going to agree.  Just hear their viewpoint and try to see where they are coming from, but just agree to disagree.

The ones that make you angry or are very abrasive with their opinions are actually easier to handle.  Instead of letting them get under your skin, just surrender yourself to let them be right (even though you don't really think that way). These types of people are fueled by your reaction and what to engage you in a heated argument, but when you just say 'you're right' and walk away, that completely takes the wind out of their sails and actually mildly annoys them! lol.........this would be considered 'taking the high road'!

I think one of the hardest parts of listening is to NOT interrupt the person that is talking.  Do not jump in with your thoughts on the situation or your opinions of what they should have done.  Let the person finish what they have to say, and then respond. When you feel the need to interrupt, stop yourself and ask yourself what is the need for your interruptions? Do you need clarification, more info or is your need to be heard more important than listening to the other person? Just BE WITH that person, put your needs aside!

Listening is significant in our needs in understanding and being understood.  In society, with all the distractions that we have with our iPods, Smart phones and numerous other electronic devices, we don't allow ourselves to BE with the people that we are with or even with ourselves.  More of us (and this is what I am really working on right now) need to start making changes to get into alignment with who and what we are intended to be.

Respect yourself and those around you by actively participating in the Art of Listening!

Some wonderful food for thought!!!

I just found this blog post and had to pass it on.  This is a woman after my own heart!!  I couldn't have said it better.........so, enjoy some food for thought! :)

http://elizabethpatch.com/2011/05/stop-complaining-about-your-body.html#.T5n-_y_hVQI.facebook

Your Feelings are YOUR Responsibility!

Today I want to revisit why I started this blog.  I had gone through an event (well actually a long series of events that had a big culmination) that shook every part of my world.  I had never felt so low in all my life.  At that point in time, I wasn't sure if I was going to come out of that situation alive or not.  Somewhere along the line something switched on and said ENOUGH!  So I started searching for answers, for something to pull myself up out of the dark place that I was in, as I did NOT like where I was and I had to do whatever it took to change it.

Last fall, a friend who knew everything that I was going through suggested a weekend seminar that dealt with a persons emotional programming, why we do what we do, etc.  At first I was like, yeah whatever, but I went anyways with a HUGE amount of skepticism, but I was willing to hear what they said.  Wow, was that a life changer!  I learned way more about myself than I ever thought possible.  You would think that you would know yourself better than anyone, but the reality is, YOU DON'T!

One thing that I took away from there, that is sometimes hard to wrap your head around, is that no one can make you feel anything.  YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings, not anyone else!  It is so easy to say that he/she hurt me, or he/she made me sad or angry. For those of you that have read some of this blog, you'll know what I am going to say.  BLAME GAME!  That's the victim's role. In every event that happens in your life, you are RESPONSIBLE for your feelings.  Responsible means having the ability to choose a response, and being accountable for your choices.  Nothing has meaning except the meaning that YOU give it.  So when you feel hurt, angry or sad, it is because the 'story' that you had made up in your head about a situation is being challenged.   I think this is the hardest for women to grasp, as we are hardwired to be emotional creatures, but emotions can be controlled when we have the awareness as to why we are feeling a certain feeling. Am I perfect at doing this? Hell no! I still have my down days, but I have the awareness now to kick myself in the butt, to look at why I am feeling that way, I am learning to shut down that nasty little voice in my head that likes to hold me back.  It takes practice, and I look forward to the day that I don't have to work so hard at controlling my emotions and responses to situations. 

Now, in saying all this, I must say that if you are looking for change in the way I was but you are in a partnership, you have other things to worry about.  If you are going to do any sort of self improvement type work, you really have to have a conversation with your partner about how you are feeling and why you want/need things to change. Ultimately, it is best if they support you in your choice and go with you!  When they don't share in your desire to change, it can make things difficult, and it will cause a LOT of emotion to rise for them. I have experienced this in my past.  

Many moons ago when I was married, I was a quiet, shy, introverted person.  When I was in my late 20's, I started to change (a lot of people need to realize that a woman doesn't fully mature personally until they are in their late 20's, this is why I suggest that women do NOT get married until then!).  I started to become more outgoing, more outspoken, I felt like I was finally becoming who I was suppose to be.  Problem is, that wasn't the woman that my partner married and that scared him.  He didn't understand the change in me, and I couldn't explain it to him.  So that resulted in some behaviours coming out in him that were not so good, and they drove a wedge between us, which eventually (among other reasons) led to our divorce. The point being, when one person changes in a relationship, and the other person isn't on the same page, they feel threatened and they are scared, as you are upsetting the story/belief that they had made up in their head as to what your relationship was, in other words, you're rocking the boat! This causes them to lash out and lots of blame, as they do not understand the emotions that are going on inside them, and they are not willing to take responsibility for them.

So, like I said in my first ever post, what I write on here is MY experiences and what I have learned, you can take something from them or not, that is YOUR choice.  I am not here to make you believe or feel anything, I am here to maybe provide you with some awareness, to take a moment to actually look at your life and let you know that you can change it, IF you are willing to do whatever it takes to do it. If something I say angers you or causes some sort of feeling to well up within you, you need to look at why.  I am NOT making you feel this way, YOU ARE.......so figure out the reason behind it. 

Don't blame your feelings on someone else! 

Happy Earth Day!!

Happy Earth day everyone!!!  Hope you get a chance to get outside and enjoy all the beauty and wonder that our wonderful planet has to offer! 


I am just going to leave you with 2 thoughts that I came across recently that really spoke to me. The first is a quote that was posted on a page that I follow:


"We have two choices when we wake up in the morning: either we go back to sleep and dream, or we wake up and chase that dream. We often spend way too much time wondering why we’re not good enough, and discrediting ourselves, instead of giving ourselves credit. We waste too much time with our heads down and hearts closed, never giving ourselves a chance to look up from the ground to see that the sun is shining bright, and that today is another perfect opportunity to pursue our dreams."

Such beautiful and VERY important words that we need to remind ourselves everyday!   NEVER give up on your dreams!! I'm certainly not!! 

The second is this: 

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of living the status quo in mediocrity......I want MORE!  So be brave enough to go against the grain, be a trend setter, BE A LEADER!

Living By Design

I know I have said this before, but it bears repeating over and over.  Life does not happen TO you, you CREATE it.  We live our lives in 4 separate planes of existence, but most people only take notice of one.  We live in the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual planes.  Being that the physical plane is the only one that we can actually see, that is the one that most people focus on.  Problem is, the physical is a print out of everything that is going on in the other 3.  What we see in our physical lives is a RESULT of what is going on in the other 3.  So if there is something that you are unhappy with in your physical life, you know where you need to be looking, and that is within!  Like I have mentioned before, it is easier to fall into the blame game for everything that is going wrong in our lives, but that is the victim's way out!  You need to spend some time looking inward to see in what other plane you are having issues. Most likely, it's all three!

Your thoughts lead to your feelings, which lead to your actions, which lead to the results that you see in your life, and where do those initial thoughts come from?  That would be your blueprint that I have been talking about in the last couple of posts.  It is your limiting beliefs about yourself, it's that little negative voice that you hear in your head telling you lies, to keep you right where you are in your little comfort zone.  If you want change or growth within your life, you need to be brave enough to step to the edge of your comfort zone and then step over than line!

You will get there one step at a time, one thought at a time.  It all starts with being more aware of your thoughts.  Stopping the ones that are disempowering and focus on the empowering ones!  Even if you don't believe the empowering ones at first, keep going, eventually you will.  It takes time to rewire your brain. You didn't get to where you are in your life overnight, so changing that will take some time too.  Be patient with your self, love yourself and surround yourself with positive people.

Celebrate every day like you did when you were a kid! 

"I don't need an excuse to feel good!" 

~Anthony Robbins~

Master Your Life

Continuing on from the last couple of posts, I want to talk about the ways that Anthony Robbins suggested on how we can master our lives.  Now some of these points may sound a little harsh and you may not agree with them, but most people will agree, change is never easy.  These points are what will help in the changing of your blueprint.

1. Strengthen Your Identity and Raise Your Standards
We all have an internal definition as to who we are and the strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves.  We may not like how we have defined ourselves in the past and want to change it, but you have to realize that your brain will tell you whatever it has to, to keep you right where you are, in your comfort zone. This is where your strength of will and commitment to it comes in.  It is never easy to redefine yourself, and there will be some struggle, but if you truly want change in your life, this is where you have to start.  Everything that is in your life RIGHT NOW, is a reflection of your standards, so if you do not like what you see, you have to change your standards. One way to do this is look at who you spend a majority of your time with.  You become who you spend time with.  This can work in two ways.  The people that you spend time with will either start to bring your level of standards down little by little.  At a certain point you may start to feel uncomfortable, and that will either kick start you to change, or you will convince yourself to settle for a new lower comfort zone. Are you in a place now that 10 years ago you would have never considered?  That's a hard question, but it is one that should be considered.  You can also decide to spend time with people that will challenge you to raise your standards.  Again, your comfort zone may feel challenged, but you choose as to whether you will reject the challenge, or rise up to meet it and change your comfort zone to a new higher level.

If you REALLY want to strengthen your identity and raise your personal standards, you really have to get around people that play the game of life at a different level of intensity.  Once your identity shifts, you'll never want to go back!

All those 'shoulds' that you have in your life, have to be turned into 'musts'!  This is the true key to mastering your life.

2. Get Rid of the Limiting Story/Beliefs
You need to change your story! In today's society, we are in the habit of accepting failure and justifying it in one way or another.  If you keep telling yourself that lie long enough, you will end up believing it. Ask yourself these next 3 questions, and I suggest that you actually write down your answers to them.  What is an emotional story that has stopped you from doing something in the past? Why is that story a load of crap? What is a truth that will get you through that crap?

There is something called the Success Cycle.

However you believe about yourself in one directly affects the other.  If you feel you have high potential, you will take lots of action and get lots of results and that will lead to a higher belief/certainty in yourself  that continues the thought that you have a lot of potential, but if it's a low belief in yourself, you won't feel you have much potential, so you won't take much action, and you won't have much if any results.  It is in this cycle that limiting story or belief about yourself will show up.  This is why that story/belief needs to change!

3. Model Strategies that Work! 
Success in other people leaves clues!  You don't have to think that you are going out on an unbeaten path.  Learn from others around you that have been down that road and have come out the other end. People who have had success will be more than willing to share how they did it, as long as you are open enough to listen.

4.Crap Happens! 

Now, you're probably thinking........HUH???.......the point is, you can be doing all the right things and that big glitter ball will still hit you in the head.  It's what you do AFTER that, that counts!!  Increase your intensity, don't give up!!! People who are leaders in their life will get up, dust themselves off and come back even stronger than they were before!!

Here are some affirmations to leave you with today.  Say with emotion and conviction over and over!
I will lead, NOT follow
I will believe, NOT doubt
I will create, NOT destroy
I am a force for good
I am a leader
Defy the odds
Set a new Standard
STEP UP!!!

"The Lesson is simple. If you want to move to a higher level of life, you have to be willing to let go of some of your old ways of thinking and adopt new ones.  The results will eventually speak for themselves." 

~T. Harv Eker~

How's Your Blueprint?

After I posted yesterday's post, I realized that I forgot an important piece.

The important reason why we have to focus on what our state is, is because it is very powerful.  Our states affect other peoples states. If you are in a happy, positive mood, you have the power to lift the moods of those around you, but if you are in a sad or angry mood, you negatively affect other peoples moods.  That is a powerful thing to be aware of!  Yes, you will have those 'blue' moods, but the trick is to over come them. I won't pretend that is easy because it's not, but that is when it is most important to REALLY focus on radically changing your physiology. Everybody benefits in the end!

Where your state is how you are thinking and feeling from moment to moment, your BLUEPRINT is what you think and feel on a much deeper level.  These are thoughts and feelings that have been programmed into you from childhood.  We don't come into this world already knowing what we think and feel about things, we are taught (or programmed) to do this by influential people or events in our lives.  They could be parents, friends, teachers, religious leaders or siblings.  These thoughts and feelings become deeply ingrained into our subconscious to a point that we don't even realize how much they control and rule our lives. For the most point we don't question these thoughts and feelings, we just accept them as is.  BUT, when you REALLY look around your life, you can see their influence.

In today's society, it seems if you were to ask most people if they were 100% happy with everything that is in their lives, most have some aspect where there is unhappiness in their lives. When your present life conditions do not match what you think they should be or what you want them to be, it makes you unhappy and causes pain.

Pain provides 3 choices:

1. First Choice: Ignore and Blame 
Unfortunately, this is the choice that I see a lot of people take and in all honesty, it's not much of a choice.  They ignore the unhappiness and pain and just write it off as 'that's just the way it is', 'this is all that I deserve', 'I'm just meant to be this way', or they start the Blame Game!  It's easier to blame events, friends, parents, siblings, and even your SELF for everything bad that is in your life instead of taking responsibility for it and doing whatever it takes to change it. I mean, why would we want to take responsibility for the crap that we have in our lives......well, because life doesn't just happen TO you, YOU create it!!  Once we accept that fact, and stop living in the victim role, it is only then that you can truly start changing your life!

2. Second Choice: Change Your Life Conditions
I know, easier said than done, but haven't you ever heard the saying, 'anything worth having never comes easy!' Yes, it takes work, and it doesn't happen over night, it takes commitment!  This could mean changing jobs if you are not fulfilled with what you are doing, getting out of a bad relationship, cutting off certain relationships with people in your life that are abusive or just plain negative, stop doing certain activities that do not have a positive result in your life. If you are unhappy with any of the above, but are not willing to do anything about it, in my opinion, you have no right to complain, because YOU have made your choice!

3. Third Choice: Change Your (actual) Blueprint
For most people, this is the hardest, but i believe, the most important.  If you do #2, but don't deal with #3, it is easy to slip back into old habits, because that is where our comfort zone is, albeit unhappy, but it is what we know. This step takes deep reflection and being TOTALLY honest with yourself, which most people have a hard time with.  It's easy to lie to ourselves!  I have gone to 2 different seminar series that dealt with blueprints in two areas of my life that I am unhappy with. The work is hard and a LOT of emotions come up that you have to deal with.  I won't say that my blueprints in these areas are finalized in their changing yet, because it is a process, but I am WAY more aware of what I do to sabotage myself in these areas, and I won't settle for that anymore. I want more and I deserve more and so do you!!!

In my next post, I will talk more about things you can do to 'master your life'.

Leaders must first influence their own lives, they live their lives on THEIR own terms.

 Become a LEADER in YOUR LIFE!!!