Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Your Feelings are YOUR Responsibility!

Today I want to revisit why I started this blog.  I had gone through an event (well actually a long series of events that had a big culmination) that shook every part of my world.  I had never felt so low in all my life.  At that point in time, I wasn't sure if I was going to come out of that situation alive or not.  Somewhere along the line something switched on and said ENOUGH!  So I started searching for answers, for something to pull myself up out of the dark place that I was in, as I did NOT like where I was and I had to do whatever it took to change it.

Last fall, a friend who knew everything that I was going through suggested a weekend seminar that dealt with a persons emotional programming, why we do what we do, etc.  At first I was like, yeah whatever, but I went anyways with a HUGE amount of skepticism, but I was willing to hear what they said.  Wow, was that a life changer!  I learned way more about myself than I ever thought possible.  You would think that you would know yourself better than anyone, but the reality is, YOU DON'T!

One thing that I took away from there, that is sometimes hard to wrap your head around, is that no one can make you feel anything.  YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings, not anyone else!  It is so easy to say that he/she hurt me, or he/she made me sad or angry. For those of you that have read some of this blog, you'll know what I am going to say.  BLAME GAME!  That's the victim's role. In every event that happens in your life, you are RESPONSIBLE for your feelings.  Responsible means having the ability to choose a response, and being accountable for your choices.  Nothing has meaning except the meaning that YOU give it.  So when you feel hurt, angry or sad, it is because the 'story' that you had made up in your head about a situation is being challenged.   I think this is the hardest for women to grasp, as we are hardwired to be emotional creatures, but emotions can be controlled when we have the awareness as to why we are feeling a certain feeling. Am I perfect at doing this? Hell no! I still have my down days, but I have the awareness now to kick myself in the butt, to look at why I am feeling that way, I am learning to shut down that nasty little voice in my head that likes to hold me back.  It takes practice, and I look forward to the day that I don't have to work so hard at controlling my emotions and responses to situations. 

Now, in saying all this, I must say that if you are looking for change in the way I was but you are in a partnership, you have other things to worry about.  If you are going to do any sort of self improvement type work, you really have to have a conversation with your partner about how you are feeling and why you want/need things to change. Ultimately, it is best if they support you in your choice and go with you!  When they don't share in your desire to change, it can make things difficult, and it will cause a LOT of emotion to rise for them. I have experienced this in my past.  

Many moons ago when I was married, I was a quiet, shy, introverted person.  When I was in my late 20's, I started to change (a lot of people need to realize that a woman doesn't fully mature personally until they are in their late 20's, this is why I suggest that women do NOT get married until then!).  I started to become more outgoing, more outspoken, I felt like I was finally becoming who I was suppose to be.  Problem is, that wasn't the woman that my partner married and that scared him.  He didn't understand the change in me, and I couldn't explain it to him.  So that resulted in some behaviours coming out in him that were not so good, and they drove a wedge between us, which eventually (among other reasons) led to our divorce. The point being, when one person changes in a relationship, and the other person isn't on the same page, they feel threatened and they are scared, as you are upsetting the story/belief that they had made up in their head as to what your relationship was, in other words, you're rocking the boat! This causes them to lash out and lots of blame, as they do not understand the emotions that are going on inside them, and they are not willing to take responsibility for them.

So, like I said in my first ever post, what I write on here is MY experiences and what I have learned, you can take something from them or not, that is YOUR choice.  I am not here to make you believe or feel anything, I am here to maybe provide you with some awareness, to take a moment to actually look at your life and let you know that you can change it, IF you are willing to do whatever it takes to do it. If something I say angers you or causes some sort of feeling to well up within you, you need to look at why.  I am NOT making you feel this way, YOU figure out the reason behind it. 

Don't blame your feelings on someone else! 

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